10 reasons that everyone who is not Australian should fear Australia
Jake Farr-Wharton 30 comments
For many years, several of Australia’s cities have made it into the top ten of most liveable cities in the world. Factors that gained them such placement included scenery, attitudes of the people, transportation, living costs and overall serenity.
Liveability aside, Australia is an amazing country filled with spectacular views, amazing people and sublime flora and fauna, all topped off by big red rock in the big red centre.
Unbeknownst to most people, however is an insanely dangerous nature, just waiting to bite your face off. The below list demonstrates definitively that anyone brave enough to live in Australia is automatically awarded, “bravest *other *ucker in the *other *ucking world!” The below list will reveal to you why everyone who is not Australian, should fear Australia!
10: The Koala – These cuddly and majestic animals spent most of their day perched high up at the top of eucalyptus trees. Koalas eat only the leaves of a plant that is so toxic that it will kill anything that happened to ingest enough of it.
Furthermore, if you happen to walk into the territory of a bull koala during mating season, be prepared to have your face scratched off!
9: We’ll eat your babies! – Marsupials are so cognisant of the danger posed to their vulnerable young, so hyperaware of the dangers of Australia, that they evolved a pouch to carry around their young for several months after birth. All the proof you’ll ever need that Australia is dangerous for infants was immortalised by a hysterical Meryl Streep who, in her poor Australian accent, sobbed “a dingo took my baby!”
Terrible acting aside, even the animals of Australia know that Australia is not safe for infants!
8: We’re all convicts – Australia has the highest convict to citizen ratio at around 100:1. This is largely because Australia was the original “Pacific Solution” (a joke which only Australians will understand).
The only reason that Australia was originally colonised, was to house the growing prison population in Great Britain. So the original colonists got on a boat, sailed for months, just to settle a convict colony! It was literally a colony run by convicts, for convicts! As such, upon naturalisation as an Australian, you are officially dubbed a convict. That’s why Australian men are so sought-after all around the world; we’re the ultimate bad-boys-with-a-heart-of-gold.
7: Dangers of the shallow – So, you’re swimming around in one of the spectacular and picturesque North Queensland beaches. The pristine white sand and jungle greens behind you, the crystal clear blue in front – it is a sublimely captivating beauty, admired by all. It’s ok to swim here because the life guard said there is a shark net, which keeps all of the man-eaters out of the way, so that you can have an awesome time at the beach with your family. You’re safe, right? Wrong!
Unbeknownst to you, a tiny (smaller than a garden variety pea and wholly transparent) jellyfish called Irukandji is out fishing for prey and because you can’t see them, you’re it! Once this little blighter injects its venom into you through one of the millions of stingers on its tiny bodies, you have less than an hour to get your booty to a hospital. Once in hospital, you’ll have to lie in a bed for 2-5 days, convulsing in agony as every single nerve in your body ignites sporadically. There is no antivenin or treatment; you’ve just got to wait until the venom leaves your body.
If you ever so much as see an Irukandji and you’re not wearing a protective suit, it’s too late!
6: Dangers of the even-shallower – So, you’ve decided not to swim in the beach for fear of sharks and Irukandji and instead opt for a far more sensible dip in a series of shallow rock pools, which drain and fill with each tide. Problem is, you’re not alone! No, lurking in the shallows with you is a deadly species of fish that desires nothing more than to destroy you and everything you stand for!
The Stonefish, so called because it looks exactly like a stone… or a really ugly baby. It does mostly nothing for most of the day, just sitting on the bottom of rock pools and around reefs, then you come along in your Speedos and zinc lip-balm and accidentally step on it. Well, the stonefish couldn’t care less what you were doing, let alone whom you were doing it with. A venomous spine from just above the head of the WORLDS DEADLIEST FISH shoots up and injects venom that’ll have you vomiting and convulsing in minutes!
5: Dangers of the even-shallower-still – So, you’re decided that the rock pools are too dangerous and have opted for finding some pretty shells out on the rocks. Finding shells in the really small rock pools should be safe, right? Wrong!
Who would have thought that one of the world’s most awesome sea creatures, the octopus, would have an Australian cousin that is only five centimetres long but is venomous enough to kill! Worse still, when it feels threatened, the blue ringed octopus' body erupts with vivid blue rings, enough to attract even the most apathetic teenager, who only came because their parents made them!
4: Brown is Australian for danger – Throughout much of the year, Australia is brown. Brown trees, brown leaves, brown grass, brown wallabies, brown snarling-ankle-biting wombats, and worst of all, brown snakes.
Seriously, it’s hard enough to see snakes when they’re at eye level in an enclosure at your local zoo. That is because they’re tactful hiders and have senses so strong, that they can taste you coming (that’s right, they frigging taste you!) hundreds of meters (meters is a unit of measurement used in Australia and some other irrelevant countries like Brazil and Korea) before they ever see you.
So, you’re walking along and the camouflaged brown snake, which looks like a stick, strikes you when you accidentally step on it, even though it is laying right in the middle of the walking track(... yeah, I know, inconsiderate snake doesn’t even bother to read the signs which clearly have a human walking on the track, not a snake). Then, bam, you’re dead… in a couple of hours.
3: The king of dangerous browns – It’s bad enough that one of our deadliest killer snakes, the brown snake, will purposely lie around in the middle of a walking track, just waiting for some unsuspecting nature enthusiast to provoke them into biting them by stepping on them. Worse still is the fact that the brown snake is merely the lowly peasant version!
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the King Brown snake. These mo-fos don’t bother with the niceties of pretending to be a stick. No! If you enter their territory, they’ll hunt you down! Moreover, their venom is among the most potent in the world; you get bitten, goodbye!
2: Toadally Gross – You wouldn’t believe it, well unless you’re Australian, but the common cane toad one of the most destructive organisms in Australia, second only to humans. It’s true; the cane toad is responsible for pushing multiples upon multiples of native species to the brink of extinction since its introduction to Australia.
The cane toad was introduced to Queensland, the sexy state, in an attempt to kill the cane beetle – another introduced species – that was devastating the sugar cane industry at the time. What the farmers at the time didn’t (but could have, if they’d not been to busy saying, “she’ll be right, mate!”) know was that the cane beetle burrows into the roots of the cane plant and the cane toad doesn’t. So, the cane beetle munched away and with no natural preditors, the cane toad set about descimating the local population of everything.
So bad-ass is the cane toad that they’re even responsible for placing the deadly King Brown snake on the list endangered animals. What’s worse is that they’re really frigging ugly!
1: Platypi – The platypus, while being one of the lesser known Australian icons, is an amazing creature. Aside from being utterly adorable, it is an utterly fascinating animal to anyone with a primary school education and up. This is because it is as though the animal has not fully completed its time in the evolutionary deep-fryer.
The platypus is a monotreme – a mammal which lays eggs. It has a bill and webbed feet like a duck, a tail like a beaver, cute little beady eyes, both furry and cuddly and lives in burrows which are accessible only by an underwater (freshwater) cave. Both fascinating and amazingly cute!
When you’re presented with an adorable animal, which is zoologically fascinating, what do you do? You pick it up, right? Hold it like a cat and stroke it gently as it nuzzles into the nape of your neck.
Of course, that would never happen, because THE PLATYPUS HAS A FRIGGING POISONOUS SPIKE, JUST WAITING TO KILL YOU!
For more information on the abovementioned animals and other reasons why everyone who is not Australian should fear Australia, please consult your local library, Outback Steakhouse or Meryl Streep movie.
Henk V
Friday 27th May 2011 | 02:52 PMOur most famous story, the king brown (beer bottle) and the king brown snake. No spoilers, you'll be surprised who won that death match.
http://www.woodworkforums.com/attachments/f41/9322-how-dumb-can-one-man-darwinite.jpg?stc=1
Schadenfreude! We all live for it!
Friday 27th May 2011 | 03:04 PM
This was pretty funny: "The below list demonstrates definitively that anyone brave enough to live in Australia is automatically awarded, bravest *other *ucker in the *other *ucking world!
"in the word" Just the world? Jeebus Jake, there's an entire universe out there. Australia isn't all there is.
Seriously, Jake, I got so into that article, I almost forgot to make my dinner. The article is educational and a real joy to read. For instance, I had no idea that Platypi are poisonous--no idea! And the snake being able to taste us, well... that makes sense! I heard something about that at Bible-truths.com years ago (something about how Satan eats the "dust" of the ground, "Satan dines on us.")
Gina
Friday 27th May 2011 | 03:26 PMMikey? What do we have here: "This site is hosted by HostGator!
Build your website today for 1 cent! Coupon code: "404PAGE"
CLICK HERE TO GET STARTED"
That's the site I was taken to when I tried to delete a recent submission of mine. Me no likey, Mikey!
Gina
Friday 27th May 2011 | 03:26 PM...in response to this comment by Mud. Are you serious? Psshhh
Gina
Saturday 28th May 2011 | 02:26 PM...in response to this comment by . Oops, I said Satan eats the dust of the ground. That's not what the bible says -- shame on me!
It doesn't say anything about dust of the "ground." It says:
"On your belly you shall go, and you shall eat dust all the days of your life." (Gen. 3:14)
Shame on me again!
Mud
Tuesday 31st May 2011 | 02:51 PMThat is referring to the serpent in the garden of eden not satan. Gina, please get a little bit more on context.
In the new testament, leviathan (which is the sea of the old testament, feel free to read your bible) and satan are intermixed in the apocalyptic theology of today's apologetics. Clearly it does say your janus like deity will crush satan into the ground like a snake and clearly it intermingles the eschatology of revelation as satan being a dragon-leviathan-serpent snake..
This is not a smart snake that hangs around trees in the old lore wrtitten to align with babylonian theology 500 years beforehand.
Dammit can you start reading instead of shooting? You are starting to sound like Gilly.
Gina
Tuesday 31st May 2011 | 11:17 PMDear Mud,
I'm not going to debate with you.
Here, maybe this will help you: http://bible.cc/revelation/20-2.htm
Gotta run.
Gary
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 11:18 AMHe didn't ask for debate, he just pointed out a simple Sunday school ploy that is false. The serpent of Eden is clearly defined as an animal.
He pointed out the revelation vision metaphor. Vision is not reality.
It also depends on which biblical Eden you refer to.
I too abhor googlesperts.
Gina
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 11:44 AMThank you, Gary. Of course he didn't ask for debate; I simply stated "I'm not going to debate with you." He was ALREADY debating, eh? And I simply replied that I wasn't going to debate him back.
Have a good day/night -- whatever side of this big blue bowling ball you're on.
Ciao bella!
Gary
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 03:17 PM...in response to this comment by Gina. Gina, but you did quote genesis three there.. That's a serpent, a garden animal, nothing else. Misquoted in the extreme.
NIV (it dopesnt matter in this case)
Just to put things in context;
Gen 3: 1 - 15
1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, Did God really say, You must not eat from any tree in the garden?
2 The woman said to the serpent, We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.
4 You will not certainly die, the serpent said to the woman. 5 For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.
6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, Where are you?
10 He answered, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.
11 And he said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?
12 The man said, The woman you put here with meshe gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.
13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, What is this you have done?
The woman said, The serpent deceived me, and I ate.
14 So the LORD God said to the serpent, Because you have done this,
Cursed are you above all livestock
and all wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
15 And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring[a] and hers;
he will crush[b] your head,
and you will strike his heel.
Comment, god didn't tell the snake to stop talking. This is why Harry Potter speaks in snakelish! Yes, Harry Potter is Satan, run for the hills!
Mud
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 08:09 PMYup Gary, God gave them sex for punishment! Who gave us one of the most singular reasons for sin as "punishment"?
Not the snake...
Thank goodness a good reason for abortion was pointed out in previous conversations.
Oh, that's metaphor?
Elias Baalia
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 10:09 PMYou are talking childrens story? If you take old hebrew book from the xtian book this snake devil is not here. I also say last book of xtian is written by jewish xtian copying much from old book and greek and rome fairy story. If read story of lamb your lamb is bad deity. I not like last book lamb.
Do you not read peple?
Hen show me things bite in aust. You walk or swim in nature sumthing ther to hurt.
Gina
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 10:47 PM...in response to this comment by Gary.
Dictionary
serpent |ˈsərpənt|
noun
1 chiefly poetic/literary a LARGE s-n-a-k-e.
( the Serpent) a biblical name for Satan (see Gen. 3, Rev. 20).
a dragon or other mythical snakelike reptile.
figurative a sly or treacherous person, esp. one who exploits a position of trust in order to betray it.
2 historical a bass wind instrument made of leather-covered wood in three U-shaped turns, with a cup-shaped mouthpiece and few keys. It was played in military and church bands from the 17th to 19th centuries.
ORIGIN Middle English : via Old French from Latin serpent- c-r-e-e-ping, from the verb serpere.
Elias Baalia
Wednesday 1st June 2011 | 11:20 PMGina this not adress what Gary say This not adress what Mud say
I study these in my law studies In hebrew book there is no bad satan in eden
I see from study that many ideas writing when persia give land back. Persia of time believe in good and bad but jewish writers include all story.
I enjoi what Gary say of other eden in hebrew book. This very very after return from jews.
He read this well.
I know this that your torah writer Ezra never hear of David and your xtian writer never read Ezra.
This Ha ha I read Gary moore
This is why I don't leave home. There are things trying to kill you out there.:)
Gina
Thursday 2nd June 2011 | 10:13 AMWell well well, who do we have here! haha! Nice to "see" you again, Jim. :-)
Gina
Thursday 2nd June 2011 | 10:16 AM...in response to this comment by Elias Baalia. Really! No "bad" satan in eden? Wow! Do tell! Inquiring minds want to know! Can you please provide me with a link of something translated from Hebrew to Engrish-- oops, I mean, Engrish, oops, I mean Engrish.
:-D
Jake Farr-Wharton
Monday 6th June 2011 | 10:21 AM...in response to this comment by Henk V. Henk, interesting story; the Aussie crow have learned to flip toads over, iviscerate them and eat their liver in one extremely quick and fluid motion.
That's evolution for you... soon they'll be the ones in charge.
Gilly
Monday 6th June 2011 | 11:49 AMJake you are a jokester
Eating toads is evolving? You sure are a simpleton.
Wouldnt eating toads be classified as adaptation, what are the crows evolving in to Ibises now, and we wont have any crows left in future.
Evolution, crows adapting to eat toads? Come on Jake thats just simply stupid
Hey Dumbo
What bible are you reading, where do you get this weirdo stuff you preach from, why cant you back any of these fantasy's up with scripture.
Yes I know the reason it was a rhetorical question Dumbo.
You are a liar and you cant back anything you say up with scripture because you dont know any scripture.
You tell everybody else to go read the bible yet clearly know nothing. I have read nothing you have said that is biblical based , you got nothing.
Back up your nonsensical ramblings with scripture or admit you havnt a clue what you are writing.
You my dear friend Dumbo are just a simple follower of those you learn from.
Just a follower.
Jake, its not evolving, thats possibly the most stupid thing I will hear this year.
Seriously you cant be so silly (or desperate) can you.
A crow evolving because it learned how to eat a toad Chortle chortle Chortle
Jake Farr-Wharton
Monday 6th June 2011 | 01:27 PMActually, Gilly, you're obviously right, to a certain extent. With that said, so am I.
We can absolutely refer to the emergence of new traits and behaviours as "evolved" as they have, as you say, been adapted to suit the current environment.
I wouldn't be so quick to chortle in the future, Gilly, you've neither reason or merrit.
Gilly
Thursday 9th June 2011 | 01:46 PMTouche!
So if I was to say that
Cosmic evolution: the origin of time, space, and matter from nothing in the big bang
Chemical evolution: all elements evolved from hydrogen
Stellar evolution: stars and planets formed from gas clouds
Organic evolution: life begins from inanimate matter
Macro-evolution: animals and plants change from one type into another
Micro-evolution: variations form within the kind
You would obviously agree that they are all facets of evolution cos clerly they are not adaptations
I like to chortls, its a habit
Muddie
Sunday 3rd July 2011 | 05:24 PMActually Dumbo, its the other way round, You have never posted straight biblical text and been flummoxed at every turn. You have even changed texts in the past (the abrahamic jews was a pearler).
Sadly you watch too much ACC and never read.
Adaptive behaviour comes within evolution. If birds etc do find a way of surviving or advancing through eating foods through changes in behaviour its still probably because of that animals skill set to start with.
As it stands, corvus and its relatives are so intelligent that this behaviour is unsurprising. Its unique to a population (maybe) but is it an evolutionary advantage to just predate on cane toad?
The question remains, how much did the local branch veer from the general population since "the ark" (yes Jake, I am keeping it simple for the TV subservient masses). From stable isotopic data you can see that the currawongs and magpies have been doing and living as currawongs and magpies for so long that...The ark excuse becomes a laughable cartoon.
And who is a biblical ignorant like Dumbo/Gumby/Gilly to answer that. He hasn't read the comic. His mother hasn't even bought the outfit for him yet.
Now to the real intelligentsia on RL. I note than since 1997, there is no room to dress left in the shop bought batman outfits. Was there a cell phone accessory that was supposed to go down "right side"?
yeah I know its a guy question..Girls have hand bags right?
Oh Cane toads? Yep, as I stated elsewhere, there are birds in the island states above us that do pradate exclusively on batrachians and have essentially become so bufotoxic that they are venomous and poisonous. This doesnt mean we should import them to eat our cane toads.
PS that is an example of evolution. Venomous and toxic birds are definitely an example of evolution. These birds are so laden with batratotoxins that eating their flesh will make you sick. Sorry the great Judah redact of reality didnt cover that one.
Microevolution? is that a religious term like allopathy, morals or logical absolutes?
mini-mel
Friday 15th July 2011 | 10:28 PMtut tut tut...
you forgot about the drop bears, the hoop snakes and the bunyips...
ps, its only the boy playpus that have the poison spikes
Awesome
Friday 15th July 2011 | 11:21 PMDrop Bears and Hoop Snakes?
The freaking simpleton forgot Crocs.
Well it is Jake after all. Maybe he would be better off copying and pasting, tut tut tut.
Muddie
Wednesday 28th September 2011 | 04:14 PMyou dont need all the super nippers to scare you from touring here..The real killers world wide are bees and peanut sandwiches..
Let me arrange a lunch in a clover patch in October..
Muddie
Wednesday 28th September 2011 | 04:19 PMand as before... satan is the snake of the garden of eden? No I think dear old John of Patmos had his mythologies mixed up. Hardly unsurprising having a guy called Isaiah walking around saying all the things Isaiah said (or had supposed to have said).
When gnosticism, Judaism and scepticism meet under roman rule, you are going to get a lot of copy..copy...
Henk V
Friday 27th May 2011 | 02:44 PMThe king brown is a closer relative of the black snake last time I checked the "run, just run!" books. Its deadly because it has so much venom, it doesn't mind standing around and giving all your limbs and man boobs a nip or 7.
The browns around here are deadly (almost as toxic as the central taipans) and will stand their ground on any path you choose to traverse in the bush, whilst the local red bellies have a chance of letting you know they are their and then hightailing it out. In the hottest part of summer, don't assume a black will nick off.
We have the occasionally seen (but far more prevalent than you think) death adders around here, They hide under leaves and wiggle an extremely thin bit of tail around (sort of like hyde park sex workers). You move their leaves, they try your foot. Ive actually seen my old running partner run over such a trap but not disturb it (its wise to run with your eyes ahead).
I hadnt heard that the platypus could kill you, but I have read, its so painful for a long while, you wish the damn thing did.
Whats amasing is the number of stingers that can and do land you in hospital just because the pain is horrendous.
There are even fresh water fish that will surprise you with the ouch, factor. Like a habanero, she gets worse and worse.
Its of no surprise to us when you hear of a kid you know has been stung or bitten by something. Especially the kiddies fishing and surfing.
We even have caterpillars that squirt some burning acid on you as you trim shrubs (spit fires)
If you thought that was bad enough, in certain regions you can get bugs in the water supply that the locals are used to but will turn you into a spray painter and sometime cycling for up to 3 months. Drink hot drinks or coke I'd say.
Australia, please visit, your insurance keeps our hospital system afloat!!
In Irian-papua-nui gini they actually have birds that will give you a very painful injury and kill you if you eat them. They are coated in bufotenine from eating local frogs/toads. Could you imagine what would happen if our birds learned to eat cane toads.
"kookaburra now owns the old gum tree"
Jake, could you mention our tourist friendly poker machines? No wonder you guys all rock over so Australia can have a taste OF YOU!