As those capable of sentience traverse this universe on a sexy blue dot (sexy, one assumes, to all other pale blue and some hazy yellow dots), it is poignant to remember that the universe wants nothing more than to destroy us! Seriously, everything from microwaves to the royal wave exist only to rip apart your sexy deoxyribonucleic acid to shreds.

As such, if we are to survive into the distant future, we need to sort something out: governance!

Unfortunately, ideology and ideologues aside, if there is one single ‘thing’ that is responsible for all war, fighting and institutionalised boredom, it is poor governance. This poorly formatted essay will demonstrate 7 major reasons why, if we indeed want humanity to survive, we must adopt violent, oppressive dictatorship in place of the democracies that we currently have in place throughout the West.

1. Elections are a real drag!

Democratic: Every 3 to 5 years, the people of a democratic country have to get off their mayonnaise (you’d hope) stained couches to elect a new leading government.

Dictatorship: All of the work required to be a dictator is performed by or for those wanting to govern. That means that you, the citizen, don’t have to do anything. NOTHING AT ALL! Seriously!

2. Civility is a real mother-flipping bitch!

Democratic: Rather abhorrently, in a democratic country, everyone is equal. Your next-door neighbour can be a homosexual loving, Jewish-Muslim with a fetish for human on fish pornography (aqua-love), but you can’t say or do anything. In the early days of most democracies, it was totally ok to lynch and kill people for being, looking, acting, speaking differently or singing off key in Church, but nowadays, none of that will fly!

Worse still, if your neighbour’s dog repeatedly shits on your lawn and you decide to give it a nitro-glycerine infused steak, you will likely go to jail when the dog explodes and the police trace it back to you.

Dictatorship: In a dictatorship, not only can you get your neighbour killed for having a dog that shat on your lawn (or exploded on your lawn after you indiscriminately place land-mines around the place) but you can get your neighbour, and their entire family killed for being related to the dog! All you have to do is tell the local constabulatory that they were spreading propaganda about your glorious dictator. Simple as that!

Furthermore, using this system strategically, you can get yourself promoted into all of the best jobs in the country just by telling the people’s police that you caught your boss wiping their bottom with a picture of the dictator.

A savvy professional can get promoted directly under the dictator after only a few months… then all they’d need to do is poison the dictator as they slept and violas’, they’re dictator!

C. Rights, fairness and equality.

Democratic: The ethos for a democracy is governance of the people, for the people, by the people. As such, in a democracy, everyone from the lowliest drug-using hand-job-for-money-giving non-Facebook user to the head of the democratic nation should have equal power and responsibility over the democracy.

Everything has to be fair to everyone, every person needs to be considered and no one’s rights can ever be put before anyone else’s. Everyone is equal (at least on paper).

Dictatorship: The ethos for a democracy is governance of the people, by a person. It’s so much more efficient! Seriously, why bother to form a committee to decide on the naming of a committee when a cigar-brandishing, oily-faced, short guy in a military uniform can effectively decide everything, for everyone, all of the time!!

The only one with ‘rights’ in a violent, oppressive dictatorship are the people who have not yet had their right arms, or ‘rights’, unceremoniously chopped off for not saluting the beloved dictator for the appropriate length of time; 497 hours.

4. Everyone loves hippies! They taste like chicken.

Democratic: JFK once said, “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country!” But seriously, how lazy is that! Your government shouldn’t be asking you to ask it what you can do for it! How ineffective is that!?!

Dictatorship: What are you, a hippy? In a dictatorship, you do what you’re told or you get shot in the foot… which is pretty funny. Ever watched someone get shot in the foot? They dance around a lot before dying a terrible death from wound septicaemia. Good times!

5. Capitalism is repugnant!

Democracy: In a democracy, big wealthy corporations headed by billionaires, who want to milk the planet of its tasty oily, coaly, metallic and radioactive inner juices, can milk the planet of its tasty metallic and radioactive inner juices by paying politicians to fight for their causes. This means that the illusions held by citizens of these democratic nations, that they elect politicians to represent them – the little guy, are farcical!

Dictatorship: In a dictatorship, the dictator does whatever the hell he or she (she – that was a good joke) wants! Also, if a big wealthy corporation headed by a billionaire wants to milk the planet of its tasty oily, coaly, metallic and radioactive inner juices, they have to pay the dictator millions of dollars!

While this sounds similar to the democratic process, the dictator won’t waste their bribe money on running an election campaign! Instead, the dictator gives all that money back to the people by spending it on plastic surgery for the dictator so that the people can have a youthful looking dictator that they can all look up to.

F. Taxing the rich, to feed the poor.

Democracy: In a democracy, all people (including corporations, because corporations are people too) pay taxes based on their income or revenue. This money then goes back to the government who will spend it based on what the billionaire heads of the big wealthy corporations who gave the most money to the politicians in power tell the politicians in power to spend it on.

So when you hear about ‘tax-payer funded’ initiative, you’re actually hearing about ‘tax-payer funded’ initiatives that the billionaire heads of big wealthy corporations told the politicians in power to initiate.

The people rarely get what they want (unless ‘the people’ are the billionaire heads of big wealthy corporations) and only a portion of what they need. It’s just a big waste of time and money!

Dictatorship: In a dictatorship, most people die before they turn 30 and lose all their teeth due to radioactive particulates which are liberated from the soil and lovingly ejected into the atmosphere anyway, so health and dental care are completely redundant.

Also, the most important person in all of the dictatorship is the dictator him or herself (herself – another great joke). As such the all taxes collected by the crooked police in the dictatorship go mostly to buying solid gold yachts and solid platinum prostitutes – useless, but necessary items for all dictators.

7. Weapons of mass delusion!

Democracy: When the interests of a democracy are threatened, there is a huge amount of bureaucracy that the country must go through prior to launching a military action.

So, lets say that if the people in the democracy use over 18 million barrels of oil each day and peak production in that democracy is only 5.5 million barrels of oil each day, you’d want to hope that the oil supply is stable!! Then, lets hypothetically say that one of the primary producers of the other 12.5 million barrels of oil that the country needs to drive their hummers from their houses, half a mile to the corner store and back three times, each day, goes into turmoil. You’d have to launch a war!

Well, in a democracy, you have to have to buy or make war-machines, guns and bullets, pay for soldiers to fight for you and all that stuff. Worst of all, in a democracy they value life above most other things (except the profits of the billionaire heads of big wealthy corporations) so there’s expensive Kevlar vests and training.

Then, once they’ve got a military force, they’ve got to request the permission of the citizens within the democracy by giving fake reasons to invade (or, “liberate” as some might say) the oil. Anyway, this takes time and money and it’s really tedious for the average racist couch-dwelling citizen.

Dictatorship: In a dictatorship, the leaders of many countries pay you for your loyalty (which you can quite easily feign) with weapons and tanks and bombs and aircraft and money… especially if you’ve got oil! So, all you have to do, as dictator, is tell your people that the opposition forces mortally offended your country by doing something arbitrary and mundane that you, the dictator, abhor and you’re away!

 

In conclusion, submit to whoever murders, poisons, ransoms, kidnaps, juntas, coups, WMDs their way into power.

 

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour.